The last straw

Jason and I had put parameters on our journey. We had put timelines in place and discussed how far we were willing to medically go before seriously committing to adoption. This never had anything to do with the fact that we looked down on adoption. If you know us you may know that adoption actually runs in both of our families. These adoptions were for various reasons but they actually are a part of our identities and we believe in this. In fact, ultimately we had talked about adopting for years, but I wanted a biological baby. Of course, if that was God’s plan.

We talked to each other during the journey but we had very different ways of handling the pain. Knowing this we also didn’t want to talk about it all the time. We had to come up with a way to cope together without ripping off the scab every time.

Our plan was to get pregnant within a year of marriage. When that didn’t happen we decided to give it yet another year, that first year had a lot going on and many stresses so we thought maybe year two would be better. After that year came up empty I asked my doctor and went through some tests. She gave me some tips and we tried yet another year. Finally, she suggested we see a specialist. At this time Jason and I discussed how far we would go with a medical plan and I felt very strongly against this option. I’ll do another post on this some day. We did all medically necessary steps to ensure that there was not a clear reason or block as to why we couldn’t conceive naturally. We went through the procedures and allowed our bodies to heal. We decided to give our bodies one year, to assume the procedures helped and take in all the information we had previously learned and allow 12 months, 12 cycles.

At the end of this 12 months, the 12th cycle, I was sad. I was really sad, but I was also somewhat at peace, I knew that we had a plan for our future, I knew that God had a plan for us. But if course, emotionally, I still hurt. After church that day I was quiet, I had tears in my eyes but I was quiet. Jason became enraged, he was also quiet, but he was angry.

This was a struggle every month for us. My method was to shut down and be quiet, I needed a hug and to be told it was ok. But Jason, he needed space, he needed time to be angry and process. These were polar opposite ways of dealing and it was difficult for both of us, every month. We prayed over our feelings and our reactions. We grew as a couple in how to cope together. But we struggled.

This particular Sunday, the last one in our scheduled plan, we both felt all the feels. We got home and Jason went outside, he needed his space. As you all know I am a busy bee, I cannot sit still, especially when I hurt. So I found myself something to do, to be honest, I cannot remember what I did that particular day. I remember what Jason did. He dug up all the dead grass in the back yard. – Mind you it was early January, grass doesn’t grow well here in January. Also note that we had a section already done from last year, then we just a few months back added to that to make it a bit larger (also not in the ‘plan’ but necessary).

Jason dug up the dead grass because he needed to be angry. He needed to do something and feel a success. Honestly, we both felt this through the whole process. Every failure pressed us to do something in order to feel a success. You guys, this is such a trying experience, it is so hard, there are so many emotions. I don’t wish it on anyone. But I will tell you over and over. This experience made us stronger, it made us closer and it made us more at peace in the end.

I tell you this story about the backyard because its important. Anyone reading this, going through this needs to understand that we all need to cope. We all have our ways and we all have to work together to get through it.

I was pissed, it was January, this was a huge project he just dug up and it wasn’t really part of the ‘plan’. You see, I plan everything, I plan house projects so we can afford them, so we have time to complete them… This was not in the ‘plan’. We happened to already be in the middle of other house projects and this was not supposed to be it. But now, we had a mud pit in the back yard. A mud pit that both of the dogs had to walk through entering and exiting the house every time they had to potty.

I despised this project. But guess what, I jumped in and helped. We did this project together, it’s beautiful, and it’s done. We have a back patio space that we love and actually use. We also have a reminder that in the ugly, the hard and the thick of it. Beauty comes out and wins, if you let it.

*You will see the grass is starting to fill in. You will also see that the house needs to be painted. See, on my agenda this was going to happen this year, we were finally going to paint our house. But now, this project gets to wait because something else stepped in. Sometimes life is this way and we have to roll with it.